“Don’t be silent, don’t be patient! Seek help, tell and save yourself in time. You owe it to yourself, to your children. Stop the violence, don’t be a victim!”
For us people with deafblindness, an example of our women’s movement is the unforgettable Helen Keller, who as early as 1915 published the article “Why Men Need Woman Suffrage” and also declared: “The signed petition of 5,000 women is not this document. Get 5 men to sign and we’ll do something more”! But not only that, but also inspires women to fight for their rights, with the motto: “I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do”.
According to the United Nations, one in three women or girls worldwide has suffered violence in her lifetime, half of the deaths of women or girls are perpetrated by a partner or a family member.
Violence against women and girls is one of the silent forms of human rights violations in the world, because out of fear for their lives and community shame, for fear of the consequences for themselves or their children, victims rarely report, testify and file lawsuits.
The forms of violence against women and girls continue to be the following:
- If even one of the listed things happens to you, you can talk about violence.
- Intimate partner violence (beating, psychological harassment, rape, attempted murder)
- Sexual abuse and harassment (rape, sexual innuendo, sexual abuse of girls, stalking, cyberbullying);
- Trafficking in women or girls (slavery, sexual exploitation, enticement into prostitution)
- Genital circumcision
- Forced marriage
If your friend or partner:
- yells at you, insults you, insults you or hits you;
- Treats you as an object that belongs to him;
- Constantly controls you, commands you, makes all decisions alone, does not comply with you and is not interested in your opinion;
- Treats you harshly, loses control easily, brags about being mean to others;
- Forces sexual relations against your will and threatens you;
- He tries to manipulate you, to blackmail you: “If you really love me, you will…”;
- Uses drugs and alcohol and encourages you to use them;
- He believes that you must always yield and be “obedient”.
And this is how we ourselves often become accomplices:
You think he’s too nice to be a bully. And he probably is when he’s not hurting you, but that doesn’t mean you’re not hurt. Some seem so nice to other people when they are in a good mood or when they are hiding their anger, but when they lose their temper, they are prone to cruelty.
You think it’s your fault. This happens very often. People usually blame the victim for the abuse they themselves are subjected to. For example, someone might say to you, “What did you do to make him throw a bottle at you?” The answer to this question is: nothing wrong. Victims are not the cause of violence!
You think that if you are not physically hurt, then you are not a victim of violence. When your partner throws a bottle across the room and it doesn’t hit you, you believe that he just threw the bottle without meaning to hurt you. In fact, if he starts throwing or breaking, it’s domestic violence.
Even a single instance of physical violence or the threat of physical violence could be sufficient to establish control over a partner. This power could then be reinforced through controlling behaviours that exclude physical violence. For example, a verbal attack after physical bullying carries the added threat that further physical violence may follow. Thus, verbal threats are sufficient for the abuser to assert control without actually harming the victim’s body.
You tell yourself that he will mend and get better. This happens when you realize that you are a victim of domestic violence, but you think that it is an isolated case. It is very dangerous to think this way. If someone has dared to hurt you once, they will do it again (this can happen in days, weeks or months). The question is not if it will happen again, but when. The only way to end the vicious practice is to seek qualified help.
Above all, understand that your tormentor is ultimately weak, not strong. And if you endure his humiliation in silence and submissiveness, then your patience can irritate him even more and strengthen his feeling that everything is allowed to him. Therefore, silence is not the best tactic of behaviour. But yelling and tears are also a poor display of your suffering and also increase the activity of the abuser. Above all, if the situation has not gone too far, resist violence, but not physically, but morally.
If the violence in your family has existed for a long time and the abuser is already used to your submission, resistance can only provoke him to more decisive actions – it can even lead to murder, caused by the fear that his “thing” has confronted him. In such a situation, first of all, clarify for yourself what made it so long for you to live with a person who was bullying you all the time. It’s time to think about how to separate yourself from your abuser. And even if you are financially dependent on him – decide what you like more: to be financially secure, but to be humiliated, or it’s time for you to become an independent and strong person.
“Don’t be silent, don’t be patient! Seek help, tell and save yourself in time. You owe it to yourself, to your children. Stop the violence, don’t be a victim!”
Velichka Draganova
Member of the Executive Committee of the European Deafblind Union (EDbU)